26 January 2008

La Hain (2008)

Joe Blogs, voter or the view from Old Palace Yard

So, what about the resignation of Peter Hain? This is who he is to me: An erstwhile anti-apartheid campaigner who was a minor member of Gordon Brown's Government and who committed the rather clumsy error of not declaring all the donations he received for his deputy-leadership campaign. That he has had to resign now is not indicative to me of a Government that is in crisis, lurching unsteadily from one disaster to another, much less of a Government that I would now no longer consider voting for.

In fact, may be I am just very naive (very possible) but I think it is a shame that the Hain matter could not have been settled in-house by the Electoral Commission, rather than getting the police involved.

The one thing that mitigates against this wish, however, is the 'think tank' (The Progressive Policies Forum) that Hain set up. If I remember the reports aright, it has no office, no staff, no documents... it looks very much like to me that it was set up to obtain money under false pretences with donors being encouraged to think that they were contributing to an intellectual organisation when in reality it was going to the election campaign. That would be a mean thing to do.

Yesterday, Gordon Brown said that it was right to wait until the Electoral Commission had given its verdict over Hain's sin of omission before deciding on his future (Source). I think he was right and I respect him for doing so. But if it was right to wait, it was certainly wrong for him to accuse Hain of incompetence a few days ago. Brown qualified what he said by adding that "Mr Hain made a mistake he had 'readily admitted to' but there had been 'no corruption'" (Source). This only inspires in me a "Well that's alright then!" attitude. Brown should either have deflected any questions, given his full support to Hain or sacked him.

Good leaders do not criticise their staff to outsiders. If there is criticism to be made, it stays within the organisation. If I may bring football into the post, how often does Alex Ferguson - the most successful manager of the Premiership generation - criticise his players in public? Never. The team comes first. Always. Criticising the players ultimately only demoralises them and leads to further trouble for the leader - as ex-Newcastle boss Sam Allardyce found out not long after he said that he was not happy that his future was in the hands of his players (Source).

Speaking of ultimate things, how does the Hain affair affect me politically? As you might have guessed from the above, it doesn't. As scandals go, Hain's is unimpressive and rather dull. So long as he does not re-enter the Government this side of an election (assuming he is not convicted of any offence), it will drift from my mind. In short, if Gordon Brown was worth voting for before Hain's resignation, he is still worth voting for now.

By way of a coda, political blogger Guido Fawkes is claiming the credit for Hain's resignation. Read the full story at his blog here. The blog is mightier than the sword!

Another Step Forward?

Sale 20 Harlequins 13

From Come All Within
"first class result - dogged out a most unexpected bonus point
- well done - coming of age of Danny, Guest MOTM, AJ reliable, great team effort
- good result from the under achievers of the Prem"

And The Daily Telegraph
"Sale threatened to blow away Harlequins last night at Edgeley Park, but one of the strongest line-ups in the Guinness Premiership struggled to overcome a visiting team determined to make up for a poor January." (Full Report here)

I would have loved to have visited Sale for this game. Please can we ban Friday night kick offs!

John Hughes' First Draft

Harlequins 10 Stade Francais 31

No report on this game as I was not at The Stoop. With the fixture being 'meaningless', insofar as Quins could not qualify for the knock out stage of the Heineken Cup even if they beat Stade Francais 100 - 0, I thought it would be nicer to take the afternoon off. And just as well that I did, as the Quins were beaten by XV oversized - albeit well toned (First Row not included) - blancmanges!

Forward pass that the ref misses to Barquin Mad at Come All Within for the pic & wobbly idea.

For more pictures of Quins/Stade Blancmanges, click here.

24 January 2008

Tell Me I'm Wrong

Ernest Hemmingway
Saddam Hussain

Fat Tony
Avram Grant

23 January 2008

A Minute in Time

The modern phenomenon of a minute's applause is not one that I like. Like the practice of leaving items associated with the deceased on their grave or, I suspect, many eulogies at funerals, minute applauses seem to exist to make the living feel good about themselves rather than do any good for the one(s) who have died.

I would not deny that the applause is in its way a respectful gesture, but it does seem to me to be a misplaced one. After all, how can you really bring to mind the deceased with all the noise that is caused by the clapping? With that in mind, I was pleased to read (or perhaps, grateful) that Manchester United have rejected a request by the Manchester City Supporters' Club to have a minute's applause instead of a minute's silence before their game on 10th February - the 50th anniversary of the Munich Air Disaster.

United's decision was all the more welcome because the reason why the City Supporters' Club asked for the applause was they feared that a silence could be ruined by an over zealous City fan whose hatred for United left him unable to contain himself even for a moment.

Unfortunately, the worry that some bigot might try to ruin the occasion is a real one - football is that tribal - but if it did happen, though I am a Manchester United fan, I would not be angry with Manchester City at all. Cameras are present at all the big football games, these days; if someone is so foolish as to break the silence, let them zoom in on him so that all the world can see what a hateful fool he is; let a still picture appear in the newspapers and on the internet. Maybe some good will then come from his shame. In the meantime, those who observed the silence will have had the opportunity to remember, reflect and perhaps even pray - things that are difficult to do when there is applause.

The HNP Exercise Club: The Glide

Who needs drugs when you have the glide? When I first started jogging, I would run for a few minutes before slowing to a good paced walk to catch my break. In the last few weeks I have been doing the same at the gym treadmill. As a result of which, when I come off the treadmill after half an hour, I don't so much walk back to the changing room as glide. I suppose it is a mixture of adrenalin (?) and the sensation of being back on still ground that makes the walk so special, but what a feeling it is! It makes all the sweat and aching very worth while. I highly recommend it.

How to make football matches more fun, pt 94.

1. Attend a public house on the night of a big game. For example, The O.R.L in north London on the night that Arsenal played Tottenham Hotspur.
2. Randomly assign a name to the clubs. For example, Arsenal - Uganda. Spurs - the Weimar Republic.
3. Drink a couple of pints to build up Dutch courage.
4. During the game, join in the shouting: "Come on Uganda!", "There's only one Weimar Republic" etc.
5. Don't shout out too loudly just in case tense fans don't get the joke and, of course, in case Arsenal lose 5 - 1 and the fans get a bit baity. Phew. I'm glad we took that precaution!

Arsenal fans excluded, a good evening was had by all. The shouts were by myself and Our Man of the Antonii with the Fellah absurdly becoming an Arsenal fan for the night and foolishly betting Our Man two pints that Arsenal would win - even after they were two or three down! Earlier in the evening, 5MinJim and I agreed about the incivility of smokers who constantly dash outside for the next fag. It was rude last time I wrote about it and it remains rude now.

Any Excuse To Mention Rome

Reading Mulier Fortis' blog of a lunch time, I find this neat little meme.
Here are the rules:

1. Pick up the nearest book (of at least 123 pages).
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the next three sentences.
5. Tag five people.

So...

1. In The Name of Rome by Adrian Goldsworthy
2. *MJM does just that...*
3. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5...
4. "Scipio had a trumpet call sounded to recall the plunderers and, when he felt that as many as were likely to arrive quickly had done so, formed them into units. With just under 1,000 men, he went to the aid of the Roman cavalry. After a while, the Celtiberians were driven back, permitting the Romans to withdraw."
5. Arathorn, are you interested?

20 January 2008

Universally Misunderstood

I subscribe to the newsletter of the Jane Austen Centre in Bath. In the latest edition there is a link to an interesting article in The Scotsman newspaper. As the newsletter puts it: How did Jane Austen come to be so purely regarded as a writer for women only? I would never have thought to ask myself this question. I would rate J.A. as one of my favourite authors and take great joy in reading her books or watching the film adaptations. Anyway, it seems that I may be in a minority. Read the article here.

Rating Mr. Clegg

Taking his lead from Conservative Home, Iain Dale gives Nick Clegg a B+ for his first month as leader of the Liberal Democratic party. That's the difference between those on the inside of politics and those on the out. I am on the latter and since Mr. Clegg became leader and made his 'I don't believe in God' remark, I haven't heard anything significant from him at all. Therefore, I would give him a D-. It's not all his fault, of course: I don't watch the news as often as I might and he can't make the news outlets report everything that he does, but if he wants to be a serious contender for my vote, he will definitely have to put himself about a bit more.

HNP Exercise Club

In the gym the other day and feeling a bit sore in the chest during my treadmill run. I looked down and what did I see? Answer: a large circle of blood! It was as if I had been shot. Can you guess what had happened? The answer is in the combox...

17 January 2008

Cally's Miscellania

These are busy times in the environs of Cally's Kitchen. The Fellah - an ardent Newcastle United fan - came into work today on cloud 9 following the appointment of Kevin Keegan as the new manager of his club. Our Man of the Antonii and I know that King Kev/Messiah will fail miserably, but how do we break the news?

On Monday, L. and I went to see Charlie Wilson's War. A very good film. Somewhere between Ocean's 11 and Syriana in tone. After the nonsense that was The Da Vinci Code it was good to see Tom Hanks in a decent film. Actually, it was good to see him act again: In The Da Vinci Code he displayed a thousand emotions, every one of them exactly the same.

Tuesday was the 1,034th anniversary of the Roman Senate's bestowal of the title of Augustus on G. Julius Caesar Octavian. I trust you were all celebrating. Naturally, I spread the good news to colleagues. I even told Petrarch's Muse. That she started to walk away from me even as I was speaking was no doubt to do with a need to make an important phone call.

My sister is in America and has taken some beautiful photographs. Including this one of an angry sparrow:


Take a look at the rest here.

And then I was reading Michael Wood's book on India last night. At the beginning he describes how a brahmin's mantra confused scholars who heard it because the sounds he was making were unlike any language that they had ever heard. What exactly he was saying remained unknown until the mantra was fed into a computer which discerned (?) that the sound that his mantra was most equivalent to - was birdsong! In short, his mantra was probably pre-linguistic. Amazing.

And to end on a really high note, I was considering which blogs I wished I had written and came to the conclusion that a View From the Pews would be high up the list. How it remains so light hearted (in a spiritual sense) I don't know. Of course, my version would have to have talking animals, rugby and beer in it... which is probably why I am writing this blog instead. Thank you to VftP's writers, and those of all the other blogs (esp. those on the links) for being so good.

13 January 2008

It's Not Just About the Reading

The Guardian has a lovely list of the Top 10 Bookshops in the world. This is the kind of thing we need to hear more about. In at number 10 is Hatchards which is here in London. The report says:

10) Hatchards in London

Although the bookshop of Cambridge University is technically the oldest bookshop in Britain, Hatchards of Piccadilly, which has been trading since 1797, is definitely the most aristocratic. Not only does it boast three royal warrants, meaning it supplies books to Her Majesty, it has counted Disraeli, Wilde and Byron among its regulars. Today it retains the spirit of days past, with an interior described by one follower as "reminiscent of being inside a rambling old house, with six floors of small rooms all linked together curling around a central staircase."

Read the Full List here
* Flick of the page to Iain Dale's Diary

12 January 2008

The Inquisitive Cow on Films, McCain (Mr, not chips) and Quellenforschung

EXT. FIELD - DAY

dúnadan
Hallo! You are reading the transcript of my latest interview with Gerrie, the inquisitive cow. That is my sister's rendition of her in the picture just above this text. Today, we are beginning at the end because as I speak into my dictaphone, I have finished the interview and written it up. As you can tell, I have written it slightly differently to normal. This is because we are going to return to the subject of Facebook, which we mentioned last week. Gerrie has a new 'Facebook Friend'. Let's go back to the beginning to find out who...

EXT. FARMER BILL'S FORUM - MORNING

dúnadan
Now, Gerrie, we covered Facebook last week, but we are going back there again. You have a new Facebook Friend. Who?
inq. cow
Who is he? The one and only Doctor Mark Kermode!

dúnadan
Who is he?

inq. cow
You should listen to Radio 5 and watch the BBC more often, dúnadan, because he is their film critic! He is very adorable, as I believe the photograph which I hope you will show on your blog will show.

dúnadan
So much for Barack Obama!

inq. cow
We must come back to the Presidential election in a moment, but for now, I am all for the man they call 'the good doctor'!

dúnadan
Indeed! But, Gerrie, on your Facebook pro-file, you say that you have never before seen a film.

inq. cow
And that was true, but to thank Mr Kermode for being my Facebook Friend, I have started watching some "movies". For example, I have now seen The Star Wars trilogy. Tecumseh and Hannibal Rabbit held a truce to join me. They were most critical of the Rebel Alliance's tactics in the battle against the Death Star.

dúnadan
I see. Have you had time for any others?

inq. cow
Bertie Pig and I watched Forrest Gump together. Bertie particularly liked it when Mr Gump ran out of the stadium and, well, kept running! My favourite film so far, though, is Modern Times. Although made in 1936, it remains a startling evocation of Recession Era industrial oppression through the medium of comedy. Mooh!

dúnadan
Very Good! Let's move on. Literally.

INT. THE KING'S ARMS. LITTLE WIMPLE - DAY

inq. cow
Have you switched on the dictaphone? Right, before we do, dúnadan, I must tell you that I have started writing my own film script. It is about a cow who is part of a secret plot to steal people's milk. But she loses her memory after falling into the river. The film is about how the thieves - a secret Government office called Operation Milkhome - try to track down and kill the amnesiac agent.
dúnadan
What will the film be called?

inq. cow
The Gerrie Identity! I wrote it for myself, you see!

dúnadan
I look forward to hearing about its development! I am sure it will be a great success! Now, then... thank you Publican Will for that pint of ale (slurp!)... politics.

inq. cow
Yes. Last week I played the part of Barack Obama as Farmer Bill's Wood celebrated the Iowa Caucus. This week, to celebrate the New Hampshire Primary, I was Senator John McCain. Tha hard eatin' Republicahhhn! Mooooooh!

dúnadan
I wonder how much he really does eat! Perhaps it is only chips, or "fries". Anyway, how did you do?

inq. cow
It turned out to be easier than I expected, although with hindsight, we should have predicted the what would happen. Augustine Squirrel played Mr Giuliani because he never campaigned in New Hampshire - The Squirrel Patriarch is still confined to quarters. The Honeybadger played the part of Fred Thompson because he wanted to smoke a cigar. Unfortunately, he also lost a lot of votes because he also wanted to fight. Finally, Little Boots Squirrel played Mitt Romney because when he was told we needed a mormon, he thought we said, madman, and as everyone knows, Little Boots is ever so slightly mad.

dúnadan
And so he proved by picking a fight with the Honeybadger.

inq. cow
Indeed. So, that left only me to canvass. And as a result, I won! Hurrah!

dúnadan
Well, you are doing well. But who would you vote for in the real thing, Gerrie?

inq. cow
I have asked myself that question over the last week and I have posted letters to all the leading candidates to ask them what their policies towards animals in Dorset is. I shall make my mind up when I receive their responses!

EXT. A FIELD SOMEWHERE IN CENTRAL DORSET - DAY

dúnadan
For the last segment of the interview we have come to the field behind Farmer Bill's house. In fact, I can see him in the garden. Not working, of course. But sunbathing. Even in this cold weather! Mind you, I see a keg of cider beside him... Gerrie, films and politics apart, what else has been making you inquisitive this week?
inq. cow
Dúnadan, I have discovered a new past time - Quellenforschung.

dúnadan
Crikey. That sounds complicated.

inq. cow
It is German for 'Source Investigation'. Quellenforschung was developed towards the end of the eighteenth century by German scholars. Particularly those at Göttingen . A lot of work was done by those scholars on the sources for the life of Alexander the Great.

dúnadan
And you have been following in their footsteps?

inq. cow
I will admit a certain knowledge of the Vulgate and Official Traditions which included authors like Diodorus and Trogus in the former catagory and Ptolemy I Soter and Aristoboulus in the latter, but no, I have not been focussing on this. Rather, I have stayed closer to home. Farmers Bill, Will and Gill had a falling out last week over who wrote some nonsense verse that they made up in the Kings Arms a while ago, so I have been to their homes to look at the various manuscripts - well, beermats, really - to see if I can tell which is the earliest. This has led me into the art of Quellenkritick - 'Source Criticism'.

dúnadan
This sounds like it will be an on-going study!

inq. cow
Not at all. The answer was very obvious, really. Farmer Will wrote the earliest draft of the nonsense verse as his beermate was the most chewed at the edges and most dirty with dried beer, therefore, he must have had it for longest! Meooooh!

dúnadan
Oh, Gerrie, you are clever! Well, there we must leave it. Thank you for your time, and I look forward to speaking to you again, next week.

Join Facebook and become Gerrie Cow's Friend!

Quins in Cardiff

Cardiff Blues 23 Harlequins 12

When I saw the score for this game last night, I was relieved that Quins hadn't been thrashed again. That's what a heavy loss does to you. Judging by some of the reactions to the game at the Come All Within Quins fansite, however, SANE will shortly be merging with CAW. For my part, this latest defeat bothers me less as (a) it was a Heineken Cup game, which Harlequins are already out of and (b) it appears that the team tried. The apparant lack of effort is what made the Leicester game so awful.

Next weekend, Harlequins play Stade Francais in their final Heineken Cup match and for the reasons mentioned above, I shall not mind a defeat too much. Far better that DoR Dean Richards gets the team ready for the next Premiership games - Sale (A) 26th January and Worcester (H) 16th February.

History of Alexander Q. Curtius Rufus

I have just finished reading Curtius' History of Alexander. A good read though unfortunately incomplete (the first two books and one or two segments of the rest have been lost). Curtius is a little snobbish in the usual Roman way. He doesn't approve of Alexander's drinking or of the Scythians, declaring that despite being a warlike people they were actually capable of philosophy! Gosh. I wonder what the Latin for pots and kettles is.

Anyway, what was interesting about Alexander's journey, as portrayed by Curtius, was the number of times that the king had to make bold speeches to his army in order to pursuade it to do his will. On all but one occasion, Alexander proved himself the equal of Chrysostom; on the one other occasion, on the east bank of the Hyphasis (Beas) River in India, none of Alexander's honeyed words could persuade it to go further.

I have not read a great deal about more modern wars - from the Middle Ages onwards - but from what I have read I don't recall that any general from that period has ever had to treat with his soldiers in quite this way. There have been some very nasty conflicts over the last thousand years, none more so than the Great War, but even there the army got on with the job in hand despite the massive bloodshed. Is this correct? And if so, why?

I have a theory: In Alexander's day, the individual was more important to the people than the office. From the Middle Ages onwards, with the development of society, the office has taken precedence. In countries where it has not, revolutions have followed. This is how Britain avoided a revolution as a result of World War I and Russia did not.

How has seeing an office as being more important than an individual protected a state from revolution? Well, if an individual falls from grace, he is permanently tainted. He must be got rid of and to one extent or another the system of power that was embodied by him changed. This makes the state susceptible to revolution - not only when the leader does badly, I should add, but when he dies. That is why Alexander's empire did not outlive him, but split up into the Successor Kingdoms.

In a state where the office is more important, we know that the office is not the person holding it. Therefore, if the latter does badly, we can remove him while still believing in the rightness of the system of power that put him there to begin with. Hence, no revolution in Britain in 1918 or any greater fall-out in America following the resignation of President Nixon in 1974.

9 January 2008

An Election in Rome

The American Presidential election is not the only one taking place this year: Delegates from the Society of Jesus are meeting now to elect a general superior to replace the current incumbant, Father Peter Hans Kolvenbach. I imagine there is lots of politics going on the background as I thought the general superior of the Jesuits usually stays in office for life. Anyway, it will be interesting to see how the delegates vote: a liberal to continue running the Society in the manner to which it has become accustomed since Vatican II or a conservative to reflect the papacy of Pope Benedict?

Quins Butchered

Harlequins 13 Leicester Tigers 42

I always knew that beating Leicester would be hard, but I never imagined that Harlequins would play so badly and be on the receiving end of the most horrible mauling one could imagine outside of the Masai Mara. Yet, that is exactly what happened on Saturday. And worse still, the game was shown live on Sky Television for all to see.

The game started brightly for Quins - two penalties put us 6 - 0 up. But Leicester took the lead with a very neat chip by Andy Goode which wrong footed the Quins defender and put Tom Varndell over for a try.

From then on, it was Leicester all the way. As for Harlequins, who can say what happened to them? I have seen the word 'imploded' used and I think it is accurate. They kept losing the line-out, dropped passes, failed to tackle the opposition either at all or badly, reacted slowly to Leicester moves... the list could go on all week.

So bad was the performance that fans started streaming out with 10 minutes still to go - it was as if we were at St James' Park not the Stoop. The fellow who sits next to me was one of those who departed early: angrily unable to suffer watching the ineptitude any longer. I stayed but would rather have been anywhere else.

There were one or two positive features to Harlequins' game: David Strettle played well, darting to and fro across the pitch, as did back rower Chris Hala'ufia. Otherwise, all that one can draw comfort from is the fact that Harlequins played so badly on Saturday that they will surely not play so calamitously again this season.

8 January 2008

The Votes Are In...

In the spirit of finding out who I would have voted for in this year's presidential election had I been American and living in America, I have just taken a political test at the Electoral Compass website here.

Apparently I am closest to a Democrat I have never heard of called Bill Richardson and am furthest from the Republican Fred Thompson, which is a shame because I have heard of him and thought he was quite amusing with his big cigars. Richardson is a social liberal in the economic left of the Democratic Party. Hmm. I did vote completely against abortion and for as much gun control as possible but there we are.

Anyway, take the test and if you are a Yank in Yankeeland, remember to Vote Bill in November.

A buck of the donkey to Iain Dale's Diary for mentioning this website.

7 January 2008

The Inquisitive Cow on Cowtown, Caucuses (in America) and όστρακα (Ostraka)

dúnadan: Hallo from Dorset! It is a windy afternoon and I am standing in a field with my friend the inquisitive cow. Hallo to you, Gerrie.
inq. cow: Mooh! Happy New Year, Dúnadan.
dúnadan: Yes, Happy New Year to you also. Now, then, I note from your Facebook account that in 2008 you are looking forward to all the knowledge that 2008 will bring...
inq. cow: Yes! The thought of it makes me very excited indeed. But have you noticed that we have the same number of Facebook Friends.
dúnadan: Yours include a surprising number of cats from North America. There is Buttercup from San Fransisco, Fatcat Snowpants from Canada, Stolli Cat from St. Albert and Mac Douey Bilous from Cowtown in Alberta. Is that a real place?!
inq. cow: I have seen Alberta mentioned on several maps of North America!
dúnadan: I mean Cowtown! Excuse me while I check it on the laptop... (sound of rapid keyboard clicking...). So, I am typing in "Cowtown+Alberta" into Google. I wonder if it will come up with a funny message like "Do you mean Mac Douey Bilous's home? If so, go away, he is asleep!" Well, nothing comes up except a blog and other bits and bobs. Hmmm.
inq. cow: Silly thing, dúnadan. Cowtown stands for Calgary! I think they must treat cows with special care, there.
dúnadan: Welll, possibly... or... well, no, let's stick with your suggestion. And let's leave these cats for now. What has been making you inquisitive this week?
inq. cow: Mooh! A good question. Caucuses!
dúnadan: What are they?
inq. cow: Dear me, dúnadan. Do you not read maps or watch television? A caucus is a political meeting such as was held in the American state of Iowa last week and is also a mountain range that straddles Turkey, Iran and Russia. Well, if we change the spelling slightly, that is. I have been chiefly interested in the American election.
dúnadan: Who are you supporting?
"I'm for you, Gerrie!"

inq. cow: Good question. Mooooeh! You see, we decided to have our own Dorset Democratic Caucus. I drew Barack Obama. He's nice, although his Christian name is rather unusual.
dúnadan: Do you know anything about his policies?
inq. cow: I am ashamed to say not much. His smile is very hard to get past!
dúnadan: Very well! Tell me how caucuses are run.
inq. cow: Right. As you know, dúnadan, there are two political parties in America: The Republicans and Democrats. In Iowa, which is in the middle of America I believe, members of each party - so not unaffiliated voters -go to a particular location, which could be a house, a church, a gymnasium or anywhere - and state who they would like to be their party's candidate to be President! That votes are counted and when they have all come in, the winnder is announced. It is that simple.
dúnadan: Very good! Can you think of any reason why we should vote for Mr Obama, apart from his smile?
inq. cow: It is a very nice one-!
dúnadan: And Farmer Bill says he looks like a big girl, so that must say something about him. Who represented the other candidates at your caucus?
inq. cow: Professor Mrs Learned Owl acted for Hillary Clinton. When she gets her claws out she is every bit as scary, too. Tecumseh Squirrel was for John Edwards, although I am afraid to say that when he found out that Mr Edwards is not for war, he threatened war against anyone who voted for him!
dúnadan: And did you win?
inq. cow: Difficult to say. In fact, it is impossible to do so. We used pieces of hay as voting sticks. Unfortunately, no one told Horace the Impressionist Horse and he ate them! Still, tomorrow is the day of the Primaries and we shall take the part of the Republican candidates. I can't wait to be John McCain! Mooh! I'ma hard eatin' Republican!
dúnadan: I look forward to hearing about it! Let's move on. I gather that during your caucus, you exiled poor old Augustine Squirrel from the Wood!
inq. cow: It wasn't quite like that! Being a rather old squirrel, he does feel the cold very easily. But he simply refuses to listen to any protest that he should take up Farmer Bill's offer of a basket in his loft. So, at the caucus - which we held on Augustine Squirrel's palafitta - I proposed the re-introduction of the ancient Greek practice of ostracising a single person who had failed the city-state in any way or even who hadn't, as in the case Aristeides, who was exiled for being too honest.
dúnadan: How did you do this?
Poor old Kimon was the victim here

inq. cow: The word 'to ostracise' comes from the potsherd that the Greeks used to cast their vote. It was called an ostrokon. On it, the name of the person who the voter wanted to exile was scratched. Anyone who was exiled had to leave the city for ten years.
dúnadan: Oh dear. Does that mean Augustine Squirrel will not be able to come back to the Wood until 2018?
inq. cow: Moo! Don't be silly! He can come back whenever he likes and we told him so. But not until the weather has got warmer.
dúnadan: Well, who would ever have thought that ostricism would ever be such a positive thing! And with that thought, I see that we are out of time already. Gerrie, it has as ever been a pleasure talking to you.
inq. cow: Thank you, dúnadan. Remember to vote for Mr Obama and Mr McCain.
dúnadan: I wonder if he is the chip maker.
inq. cow: In America, they are called 'fries'. I know that because Jenny Wren told me. She has been to America.
dúnadan: Oh, yes; as readers will know, she is friends with General Michael Hayden, the head of the C.I.A.
inq. cow: Jenny claims to know who the next President will be already, but I think she was having us on!


inq. cow: At least, I rather hope so...!

3 January 2008

Mills & Boon

2008 marks the 100th anniversary of the Mills & Boon Romance book publishers. On Radio Five Live the other day they were talking about Mills & Boon-esque stories. One wag e-mailed in with this offering (repeated very verbatim but the punchline is the same!):

They walked down the road under the warmth of the morning sun. Then, entering a lush green meadow, she lay down on the grass and stretched her body out, leaving nothing hidden from him. Smiling, he knelt down and stroked her from top to bottom. Turning towards him, she wagged her tail.